A Jack Bauer Fact for Every Minute of the Hour… Almost

  1. Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using niether rock, paper nor scissors.
  2. If everyone on “24” followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12”.
  3. Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests… Jack Bauer doesn’t associate with anything that is #2.
  4. Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.
  5. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
  6. If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don’t want to see what he’s about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you’re about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you’ve ever seen.
  7. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland… Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  8. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  9. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
  10. Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference… and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.
  11. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
  12. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  13. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  14. Jack Bauer removed the “Escape” button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
  15. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  16. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
  17. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s fucking beef.
  18. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  19. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
  20. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  21. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  22. Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
  23. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
  24. If you’re a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner.
  25. Somebody is going to die.

  26. Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.
  27. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
  28. During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
  29. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
  30. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
  31. Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.
  32. Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.
  33. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  34. If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
  35. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
  36. Jack Bauer was supposed to be in Street Fighter 2, but was later removed by beta testers because every button resulted in the same move, shooting the opponent. When asked about the glitch, Bauer replied, “that’s no glitch.”
  37. Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  38. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
  39. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”.
  40. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl… by himself.
  41. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
  42. Simon Says he should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
  43. While Jack Bauer was presumed dead, a random oil field in Southern California produced more oil than any other region in history.
  44. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
  45. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  46. Jack Bauer doesn’t have sperm; he ejaculates babies.
  47. When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
  48. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
  49. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
  50. My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was “just a television character”. We are now orphans.
  51. At age 7, Jack Bauer grew tired of urinating. After several hours of torture, Jack’s bladder decided that it would be best to never be heard from again.
  52. Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
  53. Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
  54. Jack Bauer once made a blind man see again, then promptly threatened to cut out his eyes if he didn’t give him the information he wanted.
  55. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
  56. If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.
  57. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
  58. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
  59. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
  60. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

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